Being left behind: Unseen. Unknown. Misused.

Clare Elsaesser

Clare Elsaesser

I’m fighting myself and all the selves within.

It’s daunting some days. I want to unzip my skin and walk out of me. Leaving her behind in a heap but that’s what I know so well.

Being left behind. Unseen. Unknown. Misused.

I’m tired of being alone and trying to work through scores of thoughts. It’s like being ambushed by snipers. The artillery are words and voices. I pour through the pores of my skin looking for a different spin or eyes to see but right now, I’m fighting to breathe.

It comes in waves, often unexpectedly. What triggers it? I rarely know. It could be as simple as the air is tinged with a coolness dipping into the tail of cold.

It tastes of fear lost in a dark, dark well.

I wrap myself neatly into my mug and stare through the Grecian world of my mind’s eye. Why Greek? I don’t know but I see an aqua blue sea and white washed buildings. Red and lush geraniums line a walkway and window boxes overflow.

Maybe I need to get away and however so briefly, I do in a daydream.

Then the demands return and menacing doubts resurface. I pull a blanket of words closer. I’d like to suffocate her but she keeps on breathing.

I have tools and know a few tricks but it’s still hard to switch from the vein of blame and shame. It’s easy for some to put it out there, ‘don’t do that.’ or ‘just believe.’ There’s a false wealth of quick fixes too and positive quips to think differently.

I don’t know how to when I sink into this restless space. My walls are not clear glass but thick dark bricks.

I rest my soul on the edges and hope and wait for this to pass as a tsunami washes through.

art source

Advertisements

About Carolyn Riker

A creative explorer using the magic of imagination, surfing the sea of understanding and finding bridges to connect it all.
This entry was posted in Captured Moments, Let My Voice Be Heard and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Being left behind: Unseen. Unknown. Misused.

  1. lilaosborne says:

    Reblogged this on Adventures of the Vay Jay Brigade/Art of RECEIVING and commented:
    Some day there is everything and nothing which can cause a person to feel powerless in the “real” world.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kim says:

    Carolyn, your words resonate so much with me. What I see here, what I see on Facebook.

    It feels like you are a soul sister. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Rediscovering of our heart’s destiny. | Magic of Stardust and Words

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s